Ten Relationship Principles

1. Relationships are a process, not a product.
Life is a great big classroom and relationships are our teachers. We are here (in human form) to learn, love, laugh, and serve. Every experience we have is geared to present us with an opportunity to gain more compassion, practice acceptance, transcend our egos, maintain our sense of humor, and expand our wisdom. The goal of a relationship os not just achieving the end result, or “product”, of “forevermore”, but rather is about improving the “process’ of how we are showing up, what we are learning, and how we are growing. It is about quality, not the quantity. Although we certainly want our relationship to last, more importantly we want it to serve each partner’s personal and spiritual growth.

2. Every effort you make will benefit you
If you practice and master the skills, you may save your relationship and make it healthier, stronger, and more enjoyable. It is also possible that you or your partner will decide to get out. You need to do the work either way. The benefit of gaining these essential life skills is that you will achieve greater self-mastery and will be healthier and happier—even if your relationship does not continue.

3. Your values act as guideposts for your decisions.
Every problem can be solved by more than one solution. However, not all solutions will be in alignment with your authentic self. For example, if your goal is to have lots of money, you could take up robbing banks. However, for most people this is not an option because it is out of alignment with their values. To be in integrity with whom you really are and what you really want to create, you will need to consciously make choices that are guided by your values. To allow your values to guide you, you will need to determine exactly what they are. In a relationship it is not necessary that your values be exactly the same as your partner’s, but it is important that your values be complementary and supportive of one another’s and that you respect each other’s priorities. If your goal is to love you relationship, identifying and operating within your values will guide you with integrity.

4. Ego is ALWAYS what blocks love and joy
True love does not go away – ever. It just gets blocked from flowing (by ego). An active ego shows up in the need to control and in the need for approval. It materializes in relationships through nagging, sarcasm, judgment, disappointment, jealousy, possessiveness, hurt, and fear. When you dislike what you are experiencing in yourself, in your relationship, or in your life, this state of mind blocks the flow of love and joy. As you learn to transcend your ego, you can restore the flow of love in all of your relationships. Your job, if you want to restore a loving relationship, is to remove the obstacles that dam the flow of love between you and your partner. You always have a choice: to honor ego or to honor love.

5. You are the common denominator in all of your relationships.
You are a primary ingredient in every relationship you’re in. How you handle things—what you say and what you do—enhances or destroys the quality of those relationships. If you lack a strong sense of your worth, you will find ways to sabotage your relationships. So if you want to have healthy, loving relationships with others, including your partner, you need to start by building a healthy, loving relationship with yourself. A big part of building a strong relationship with yourself is the discovery (or rediscovery) of your authentic self, what I refer to as your soul essence. Our souls are love; they are loving, lovable, and joyful. At the soul level we are creative, funny, honest, wise, intuitive, and spiritual. These are critical qualities for successful relationships. The more in touch you are with your soul essence, the healthier your relationships will be. The more you know yourself and love yourself, the more authentic you will be in your self-expression. The more authentically you show up, the more authentically someone can love you (because they will actually know who you are).

6. You can change yourself, but doing so influences others.
You cannot change your partner (or your kids, boss, parents, etc). You can, however, change the way you relate to your partner, which will in turn trigger a new response from him or her. Your partner will change in relationship to how you treat him or her. Whenever you are faced with a difficult situation, instead of pondering how your partner needs to change, ask yourself what you can do differently to change the situation.

7. You are responsible for your experience in your relationship.
It is our natural inclination—especially in relationships—to blame the other person when we are not feeling loving, loved, or joyful. However, as I mentioned, ego is always what blocks love, and transcending ego to restore the flow of love and joy is our personal responsibility. In fact, it is not something our partners can do for us. We have to do the work ourselves. The work may come in the form of negotiation, communication, acceptance, or forgiveness, but the job is our own. Although you cannot directly change your partner, you can change your relationship by changing the way you show up in it.

8. Self-observation is the key to change.
By observing yourself (noticing what you are doing, thinking, saying, and feeling in any given moment), you will become aware. When you are aware, you are given the golden opportunity to determine whether or not you like what you are aware of, and whether it is serving you. If you do not like what you are thinking, doing, or feeling, your awareness allows you to make a new choice—one that is in alignment with your goals and values. Choice makes you powerful. When you are powerful, you can transform your relationships rather then being a victim of them. Part of the self-observation process is self-inquiry. When you observe an emotion that is impacting you, taking yourself through a series of questions to better understand what is triggering the emotion will help lead you to the limiting or even false belief that is causing you pain. Self-observation and self-inquiry are essential skills for understanding yourself and relating more effectively with others.

9. Change can (only) happen in a moment.
When you want to change something—your fitness level, your organizational skills, the quality og your relationship-it is overwhelming and self-defeating to try to change the entirety of the situation at once. You cannot improve your fitness from his day forward, but you can, in any given moment, change how you care for your fitness in that moment. While you cannot change the entire quality of relationship from this day forward, you can change how you care for and handle any given moment in your relationship. Each transformed moment connects to the next moment and the next. By simply paying attention to how you are handling each individual moment, you can change the quality of the whole relationship.

10. Relationships are a spiritual journey.
Regardless of your religion, or even if you don’t subscribe to any particular set of religious beliefs, the qualities generally called upon to live a spiritual life—honesty, compassion, forgiveness, service, devotion, dedication, intention, trust, unconditional love—are the very same qualities needed to have a healthy relationship. At the same time, relationships are the perfect place to develop these qualities. In fact, relationships are the only way we can practice and master these qualities, because by their very nature they are applied and experienced with someone else—whether that be God, your spouse, your friends, your family, or strangers.

Monique Marie and Eve Hogan