To explain what happens to love between two people, we need to begin by understanding what happens to self-love, or self-esteem. Since you are the primary ingredient—and the common denominator—in all of your relationships, you will see the definite correlation between the strength of your self-esteem and the health of your relationships. Understanding the dynamics of self-esteem, what happens to it as we grow up, and how to put it back on the right path will not only help you feel better about yourself, which will certainly contribute to your relationships, but will also assist you in enhancing the self-esteem of the people you love the most.

Some Misconceptions about self-esteem:
1. We have mistakenly thought that ego or conceit is the same thing as self-esteem. It is not. Self-esteem is based on our inherent worth and strength as human beings, that is, on our soul essence. Ego is based on our minds—what we think—not on who we are at our core. In relationships, ego pushes people away, while self-esteem attracts them.
2. By the nature of our common language on the subject, we have created the misunderstanding that self-esteem is “high” or “low.” Self-esteem is referred to here as “high” or “low” simply for convenience, but we don’t really have high or low levels of self-esteem. We have either easy access or blocked access to that self-esteem. The same is true for love. Love doesn’t go away; it just gets blocked.
3. We have mistakenly thought that once we achieve easy access to our self-esteem, it is ours for good. In actuality, self-esteem, much like physical fitness, has to be continuously and consciously maintained. The good news is that once healthy self-esteem has been achieved, the “lows” don’t go as deep, and a pathway out of the depths has already been forged so you don’t stay as long. Relationships also require this ongoing maintenance.
4. We have mistakenly thought that self-esteem is “global.” That is, we think that if someone has self-esteem, they have it across the board in all areas of life. In reality, someone can feel good about his performance at work and terrible about his relationships at home. Someone can have high self-esteem with regard to her productivity or creativity and low self-esteem around her body image.
5. We have greatly underestimated the impact of self-esteem on our relationships by mistakenly thinking that the health of our self-esteem only impacts how we feel about ourselves. In actuality, our self-esteem also impacts our ability to feel loved by others, to feel worthy of the love of others, and to share our love with others. If we do not love ourselves, we cannot fully believe that others love us. If we do not feel worthy of love, we will sabotage our relationship to prove that we were right about our lack of worthiness. If we do not feel love within us, we are unable to share love with others. If we cannot love ourselves unconditionally, forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and experience joy and happiness on a daily basis, we cannot love others unconditionally, forgive them when necessary, or share our joy and happiness with them.

Who you really are:

Consider the positive qualities of small children before they have been “contaminated” by the world around them. They are inherently playful, funny, creative, honest, imaginative, curious, wonder-filled, loving, joyful, and enthusiastic. They are adventurous risk takers. They are authentic and in the moment with their emotions; they laugh when they are happy, cry when they are sad, and forget about whatever upsets them as soon as it is fixed or something new happens. They are natural learners, wanting to know what everything is called and how things work. They are creative and imaginative, able to build a magnificent fort out of a few blankets and chairs. Children are able to take compliments simply because they know their own worth and are confident that the compliments are true. Small children get along with others regardless of race, religion, gender, or handicap because they haven’t yet learned to judge. Small children are forgiving because living in the present moment doesn’t allow them to hold a grudge. Children are closely aligned with their esteemed self because they haven’t yet had life experiences that have separated their egos from their spirits. Small children know their divine essence. All they do is an authentic expression of who they are. When you consider the qualities of someone with high self-esteem, they are similar: confident, risk-taking, adventurous, authentic, eager to learn, happy, loving, lovable, etc.

Keep in mind that this is true not only about the children outside of you but also about the child inside of you. You were like this as a child too. These childlike qualities are an expression of your soul; they represent who you really are. The good news is that these qualities never go away, they just get covered up. Our access to them gets blocked. With a little concerted effort, we can regain access to all those childlike, esteemed qualities.

As we grow up, important people in our lives—parents, relatives, siblings, friends, teachers—through both their words and their actions give us negative input that impacts our self-esteem. They say things to us that don’t feel so good: “you’re stupid.” “You’re ugly.” “What is that C doing on your report card?” Sometimes the messages weren’t so blatant but rather came through loud and clear when a parent couldn’t make time for us, or we were picked last for the baseball team, or someone gave us a dirty look, or a teacher rolled her eyes when we answered a question. Regardless of whether the other person was really upset with us, we would take in these experiences as information about who we were and what we were worth. From there, we began to form beliefs that defined us.

We have all adopted limiting beliefs about different parts of ourselves. Something undoubtedly happened along the way to communicate to you that you were not good at something, and you bought into it, turned it into a belief, and began acting out your life in alignment with it. It wasn’t a belief that served you, and yet perhaps you still have your life accordance with it. At what age did you take on the belief that you couldn’t sing or speak in public or that you were not good at art, math, or reading? Maybe these beliefs were based on the truth about your skills and abilities at age eight, ten, or twelve. What wasn’t true was that this belief defined who you were, what you were capable of becoming, or what you were capable of overcoming by learning new skills.

Consider how this shows up in your life. Did you ever take on the belief that you didn’t deserve love? Or that you couldn’t make or manage money? How about the belief that you can’t make someone else happy in a relationship or that relationships don’t last or that you can’t be faithful? How about the belief that to really open your heart and show up 100 percent in a relationship makes you too vulnerable and is dangerous? Or that if you told the whole truth about yourself no one would want to be with you? How about the belief that you are nobody without your partner and you could not possible live if he or she were to leave you? These are simply beliefs—who you think you are—that are only true as long as you believe them, and they only stay alive as long as you feed them with the fuel of your energy.

As we take life experiences and begin to turning them into limiting beliefs, we mistakenly begin to believe that who we are is someone limited, fearful, undeserving, reserved, incapable, dependent, jealous, possessive, and weak, instead of who we really are: someone powerful, abundant, capable, friendly, energetic, creative, imaginative, expressive, authentic, and loving. Now consider which you would rather be, then consider which you would rather be in a relationship with.

Who you want everyone else to think you are:

Remember, who we really are is being covered up and smothered by who we have come to think we are, based on out limiting beliefs. Since it is so painful to believe all these negative and limiting statements about ourselves and to allow others to see these things in us, we develop defense mechanisms to try to keep more pain out. So we put on a façade to keep others from hurting us further or to keep them from seeing (what we think is) the truth about us (that we are limited and weak). We may begin judging others in an effort to relive pain by trying to prove that we are better than everyone else or by acting as if this were true. We may show up as really angry or distant, unconsciously figuring that if we are angry enough, people will not get close enough to hurt us. In order to hide our negative beliefs about ourselves, we may try to impress other people by dressing a certain way, driving fancy cars, buying expensive things, or trying to be perfect. We may flaunt our sexuality or become promiscuous; unconsciously thinking the kind of attention we receive can make us feel better about ourselves. We may try to avoid being hurt by not trying new things, thus avoiding the potential failure that would ass to out negative beliefs. We may smile even when er don’t feel happy or friendly because we figure if we just keep on smiling, other people will think we are ok. We may crack jokes an in effort to keep people laughing so that they will like us. We may take drugs or abuse other substances in an effort both to numb our pain and to divert other’s attention toward our addictions and away from our painful beliefs. We unconsciously think that if we throw them off track, they won’t notice how bad we feel about ourselves. We may even work out excessively or develop eating disorders in an effort to cover up what we believe to be true.

Our unconscious efforts to protect ourselves cause us to become more and more inauthentic until we feel totally disconnected from other people and, worse yet, disconnected from ourselves. If we no longer know who we really are, it is impossible to believe that the people we are in relationships with know us. Worse yet, it is impossible to truly receive, their love because we don’t feel worthy.

When there is a difference (a gap) between who you really are at your core (your soul) and how you are showing up (your ego), your self-esteem suffers—and so do your relationships. It’s as though your self-esteem and the health of your relationships fall into that gap.

- If you value honesty but regularly tell lies, there is a gap. (which causes blocked self-esteem and unhealthy relationships).
- If you value being kind to others and you act kindly, there is no gap. (and thus you have healthy self-esteem and healthy relationships).
- If you value monogamy but cheat on your spouse, there is a gap (and thus low self-esteem and damaged relationships).
- If you value taking responsibility for your actions and you admit your mistakes and learn from them, there is no gap (and you enjoy high self-esteem and repairable relationships).
- If you value communication but don’t listen to others or express your feelings, there is a gap (which blocks your self-esteem and isolates you in your relationships).
- If you value being a good friend and you show up for your friends in thoughtful, consistent, and fair ways, there is no gap (and thus high self-esteem and strong relationships).
- If you value being fit but you know you could improve your diet and exercise habits, there is a gap (and thus a bad feeling about yourself that impacts your relationships).

We often think that just because we believe something, it is the truth, which is not always the case. As you know, the majority of people prior to 1492 believed that the earth was flat. That belief turned out to be wrong. Many, many of our beliefs –about everything from science to society—have ben proven wrong over time with the addition of new information and new tools. Many of the beliefs as we individuals have held about ourselves and about our lives have also been proven wrong—or will be over the course of our lives. Therefore, the concept that “belief equals truth” is disputable.

The problem is that few of us are trained to question our beliefs and unchallenged false beliefs have the power to alter our decisions and to limit what we can accomplish. When we are using limiting beliefs as guideposts for our decision making, they impact every aspect of our well-being, including our relationships. If we think something is dangerous, impossible, or too hard, we may not venture to do it. Can you imagine how many people didn’t try sailing around the world based on the belief that they would fall off when they reached the edge? Can you imagine how many marriages have ended in divorce because of the belief that nothing could be done to make the marriage work?

False beliefs to challenge:
1. Once I’ve fallen out of love with someone, that is that; I can’t get it back.
2. What I have experienced in the past is likely what I will experience in the future.
3. My spouse has to do something different in order for our marriage to work.
4. I can’t improve the relationship by myself, it takes two.
5. I need different conditions to make my marriage work.
6. I am powerless to change my life.
7. Love relationships don’t require work. They should be purely magical.
8. If this relationship doesn’t work, I will never love again.
9. I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted, this one probably won’t either.
10. Men (or women) aren’t trustworthy.

Empowering beliefs to try on:
1. I can fall in love again, In fact, love has never left me, it has just gotten blocked. I can clear the obstacles between love and me—and between me and my partner.
2. With new skills and tools, I can create new experiences.
3. It is my response to circumstances—not the circumstances themselves—that dictate the quality of my relationships.
4. I take full responsibility for the quality of my marriage.
5. I can improve my experience of this relationship with or without my spouse’s involvement.
6. I am powerful and able to change—or simply enjoy—my life.
7. Love in unlimited. As long as I am loving, I will never be without love.
8. No relationship lasts until one does! This one can be the one.