According to the Existentialist, a human being's existence is a lonely existence. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Can anyone ever truly understand what it is to be you, to experience all the things you have experienced, to understand your joys and happiness, your pains and sorrows? Surely we can talk to other people about how we feel, we can draw pictures, we can play music, but all this attempt to communicate ultimately leaves something behind. We cannot always get our feelings, ideas or experiences across exactly. There is a painful reality that ultimately we are alone, by ourselves, and ultimately lonely.

Some people are better at alleviating their loneliness than other people, at hiding their monadic existence than others. For them, loneliness is a fleeting feeling that visits them on cold winter days or cold gloomy rainy days when human contact becomes minimal and they are left only with the thoughts in their heads. For others, loneliness is a curse, a shadow that follows them all the time, that rears its ugly head at every human contact, that surrounds them in their waking and in their dreams.

Whether we would like to agree with it or not, loneliness is a universal phenomenon, it visits every human soul at some time in every culture, every race, every class, every age, and at all times in human history. It is inescapable, and has been expressed throughout the ages in music, literature and art. To feel lonely is to join the rest of humanity in acknowledging that we are somehow fundamentally separated from each other, doomed to speak and yet never fully understood. Not only is loneliness so pervasive, but it has been associated with a variety of different emotions. People who feel lonely describe it as painful, and it is associated very strongly with feelings of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and aggression. Being lonely for too long may not be a good thing. And while we suffer a monadic existence, we are social animals, needing each other, to bond, to connect, to love. It is the paradox of human existence to seek to fill a need that can never be satisfied, to fill the vortex of loneliness in our lives.

So what is loneliness? Is it a feeling? A condition? For different people, it means different things. It is hard to describe exactly what it is, or how come we feel this way. Perhaps a better question is "what is loneliness for you?"

Do you know the difference between aloneness and loneliness?
Yes, believe it or not there is a small but noticeable difference between aloneness and loneliness. To be alone is to be by oneself. You may or may not FEEL lonely when you are alone, but the only important condition for being alone is that there is no one else around you. To be lonely, is to suffer the feelings of loneliness, to want people, social contact, and yet be unable to get any. Given this fact, it is quite possible to feel lonely when you are alone, and it is also to feel lonely when you are NOT alone. Many people report feelings of being lonely in a crowd, that even though they are surrounded by people, they still feel lonely. On the other hand, there are those who have written about the virtue of being alone. Hermits, monks and other religious persons treasure their time alone for contemplation and communication with the Higher Powers. Even in our daily lives we should practice spending some time alone, going over the events of the day. Aloneness is both an important and integral part of our lives. So don't get the two mixed up!

Feeling lonely in a crowd seems to be something that I have problems with. It seems at times I can not find other people who are interested in the same things that I am and hence do not have a lot to talk about. I try my best to talk about subjects that are interesting to them or to try and lear them into another subject but it usually ends up with them leaving to talk to someone else or I find myself bored. I have a real problem trying to interact with people my own age because I feel that I have experience more in life then they have at times. Plus people my age are still interested in going out to the bar, drinking, or going to casinos, to which I am not interested in any of those.

I don't feel lonely very often vs. I feel lonely all the time.
You can think of loneliness being experienced on a continuum with two extremes. On one extreme, a person experiences loneliness all the time, as an inescapable part of their existence. On the other extreme is a person who rarely experiences loneliness. If you are the kind of person that rarely experiences loneliness, when you do experience loneliness, we call that type of loneliness state loneliness. This is loneliness that is generated more by the environment than the person. So you probably will experience loneliness only when it's a long rainy day and you have nothing to do, or you go on vacation and you are missing your friends at home or something like it. The loneliness is generated by the circumstance you are in, and usually doesn't last very long (a day, a week). If however, you are the kind of person that experiences loneliness most of the time, then the loneliness you experience we call trait loneliness. This is type of loneliness that follows you everywhere. The loneliness is generated from the person, although particular circumstances might aggravate your experience of loneliness. So regardless of the situation or circumstance, when you think about it, you are still lonely.

When I think about it, I just don't have enough high quality friendships in my life.
Some theorists believe that loneliness results of a difference between how much friends you have, and how much friends you want to have. For some people, maybe for you, it's simply that you are in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have friends, yes...maybe, but they aren't really as close as you would like them to be, or maybe you just wish you had more friends. This discrepancy between your desired level and quality of friendship and your actual level can cause your feelings of loneliness. If you think that this is, in part, the root cause of your loneliness, maybe it's time to look for a new avenue for friendship.

I can say that I have a lot of acquaintances, but not friends. A lot of people call to ask me to hang out with them when they know that I have not been feeling the greatest. They do not make the offer to come visit me unless if I ask them to. Also, I find in my group of "friends" that do not have the same views as I do, I tend to be more liberal and they either are extreme liberal or more conservative, which can cause conflict at times because what is there to talk about? I listen to lots of different kinds of music and am a picky eater (part because that is the way I am and part because I can only eat certain things at times due to my medications). What happens is either I listen to their issues, put my two cents worth in and then go home.

I'm a shy person, I have problems communicating and sharing with others.
Shyness and loneliness have a very strong relationship to each other. Shy people, I think, have two major obstacles they have to overcome. One of the big obstacles is mental, that if you are a shy person, you believe that if you go and talk to people they will reject you. And perhaps in part it has been your experience as well. When you go and talk to people, you don't know what to say, or you say something stupid so they end up (maybe politely or maybe not so politely) excusing themselves from talking to you. So aside from the mental thoughts that people will reject you, there are so behavioral problems as well. If you are a shy person you may lack simple conversational skills to make new friends. How do you approach someone you don't know and want to talk to? What do you say? How do you carry on a conversation? Sometimes you may share too much information with the other person, sometimes you may not say enough, sometimes you don't know what to say! Often times you can feel that you don't understand the other person, or that that person doesn't understand you. The simple fact that you lack some of these conversational skills work against forming friendships of any length or quality.

I do not think that in general I am a shy person, but in my experiences, some people just do not feel like talking. I have been to parties and what not and I start a conversation with someone and they seem uninterested, and the people that do talk back, I do have trouble trying to find "safe" topics when I am bursting out inside wanting to know what their view on certain topics are which make people feel uncomfortable at times.

Research conducted has also shown that people generally tend to reject lonely people because they act lonely. Who likes the person that is always stuck in the corner and doesn't talk to anybody? Not many people. Most people like those outgoing, friendly people that talk to and are friends with everyone. If you don't make the effort to make friends, very rarely is anyone going to make the effort to make friends with you. And so the loneliness is perpetuated. It's a vicious cycle that you need to get out of.

If you see someone in the corner, then make it a point to go over and talk. They might be shy, but eventually they will open up, You never know, you could be getting a new best friend!

Not only am I lonely, I'm also very depressed or angry about the things around me.
If you find yourself with constant feelings of loneliness that is very painful, and you also have feelings of anger or depression, then the cause of your loneliness may run very deep into your past. There is the psychoanalytic view that a particular type of loneliness maybe because of hurt, lack of love or attention, abuse or neglect that you may have received in the past. Often times it will be associated with your parents or caretakers who may not have treated you exactly the way you wanted to be treated when you were going up. Childhood may have been a difficult time of growing up for you. Psychoanalysts believe that what happens early on in your childhood life affects your later relationships, your later self. Your feelings of loneliness, and the other hurtful feelings as well, probably stem from a more deep-seated (perhaps hidden) psychological problem that needs to be resolved. Your persistent loneliness, depression or anger is a sign that all is not right with yourself and there are some things that you need to deal with. This is why you feel so lonely all the time. In all probability, the friendships you have may be more superficial than not. You have learnt to cleverly hide who you are and what you are from both yourself and others. This is one of the more severe types of loneliness.

No matter what, be yourself and if people do not like it, oh well, someone will and join you in the fun.

You know why I'm lonely, I'm lonely because I don't have that close special someone in my life.
One of the founding researchers on loneliness, Robert Weiss, got started studying loneliness quite by accident. He was actually interested in couples and primary relationships (that is, the close relationship one person has with another). What he found though, was that people who lack these "primary" relationships tended to be very lonely. In one of his writings he says, "I was puzzled by the upsurge of loneliness that seemed to follow the ending of even an unwanted marriage, by the persistence of loneliness despite new friendships and by the suddenness with which loneliness could be abated [with the promise of a new partner]." How often do we believe that if we just found that right person, entered that right relationship, our loneliness would also be abated. We don't need ten thousand people (!), we just need that one special person. Weiss also believed that we needed that special person in our lives as well. He called that special person, our attachment figure, someone who gives us a sense of security or reassurance that we can face the world once again. Weiss believed that loneliness comes when there is that loss or absence of an attachment figure. In babies, a caretaker (usually a mother) is the attachment figure. When that mother leaves the room or doesn't give the child the attention he/she needs, the baby cries for her mother and is restless and listless without her. So too, is our experience of loneliness when we have lost or are missing that attachment figure. We cry or are listless, we search everywhere to find that attachment figure, so that we can once again feel secure and feel loved. Weiss referred to this type of loneliness as loneliness of emotional isolation. In well-known terms, loneliness has been referred to as separation distress with an object.

Even though having that person in your life would be an added plus, I also think that people need to be their own best friend. When you are your own best friend, it will show and other people tend to want to get to know you.

Loneliness is horrible, that is why I think the Internet when used properly is a very good tool. This is also why I post on this site because it lessens my loneliness. It distracts me from knowing that when I look around I do not see any humans. Animals are great to have to help ease the thought of lonliness, but it is not like they can have a conversation with you.